bluffers guide to schul

The Bluffer's Guide to Going to Schul

Worried about looking like a lemon in schul? Finding the schul service impossible to follow?

Many people suffer from what is known in religious circles as "Mainstream judaism." No need to worry, however. Our team of spiritual healers have revised a cure, and we are making it available to you exclusively today. Please pass it on to anyone you know who may be suffering in silence. Schul Rules" is your handy-dandy ten-step guide to supreme synagogue confidence:

1. If you arrive after the start don't sit down right away, but instead open the book near the beginning and spend two or three minutes turning slowly through the pages while mumbling under your breath. If you recognize any of the Hebrew words, say one or two of them = little louder so those around you can hear.

2. Find a seat just behind someone who looks like he knows what's going on. (You can tell who this person is because he is likely to be mumbling to himself under his breath). Make sure this person is using the same prayer book =s you. Keep a note of what page he is on by glancing casually over his shoulder every now and again. A pair of strong magnifying glasses may help here.

3. When putting on the tallit, wrap it around your read for a few seconds while mumbling under your breath.

4. Liberally sprinkle your time in schul with more barely audible mumbles =s you look intently at the pages of your siddur. Again, the odd word, phrase or line spoken accurately and a little louder than the rest goes down very well.

5. Don't jump up whenever the person in front does so. He may be stretching his legs. Instead, wait a moment until a significant proportion of the congregation are standing In this way, even if they are all stretching their legs you won't look stupid.

6. See those guys near the front that are wandering around with an air of assurance? These are the shammosim. AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH THESE PEOPLE or you may find yourself being asked to do something strange and unfamiliar like opening the doors of the Aron HaKodesh or, heaven forbid, saying something in Hebrew out loud to e
veryone.

7. The easiest way to look the part is to shockel. I =ave met people who have won international shockeling competitions without having a clue about where in the service they were. Advanced shockelers will even shockel when everyone else is sitting. (Of course, sometimes this may be a disguised leg-stretch).

shockeling is an =ntire lesson in itself, but there are two basic forms. The "lateral swing" is usually seen in ultra-orthodox congregations. Here the =ractitioner is perfectly still from the waist down (feet together, naturally), while the top half of the body repeatedly twists at =peed.

The "Hammerhead" is more prevalent in mainstream orthodox schuls, and, as the name suggests, the congregant looks as if he is trying to hang a nail into the floor with his head. (I say "his" because women =refer to use this time for kibitzing or kvelling over how wonderfully their grandson shockels.)

Shockeling mainly takes place during the silent Amidah This is about 10 pages during which you have no idea =here everyone else is. All you do know is that if the others were really reading all the prayers involved they would be contenders for the world speed-reading record.

You know when it starts because everyone takes three steps back, then three steps forward, then they vow. This is your cue to start shockeling while turning the pages of your prayer book approximately every 15 seconds. The end of the silent amidah is signaled by everyone taking three short steps back, bowing to =he left, the right and the center and then looking around to see if they won.

8. Is the Rabbi speaking in English, and yet you don't begin to understand what in the world he's babbling on =bout? If so, this is the sermon, and it's your job to look alive. Paying attention to the sermon is a skill that may take many years to master rather in the way that one learns how to solve cryptic crosswords. The formula for this particular puzzle is fairly simple: The narrative of Torah portion you have just heard plus something from local or national news equals "you should go to schul more regularly" or "your home isn't kosher enough."

9. Feel free to talk to people near you at any time. Business and sports are particularly appropriate topics =f conversation. Seeking kavanah and listening to the sermon will be segarded with deep suspicion in most communities.

10. If you can =eep your cool until the end of the service you will be rewarded. At last something that is familiar, and a chance to clear your throat and give it some "oomph" as you belt out Ein kelohaynu and Adon olam just like you did at cheder all those years =go.

One final word of warning: If it goes well, and you feel confident enough to go back for a second week running, you will be immediately and automatically classified as a regular. This means there is a very good chance you will be asked to be the next synagogue president.